The Five Stages of Rejection

Hey there, Internet Audience. As regular readers (all two of you) may remember, a while ago we began sending out queries to agents for the first time. It did not go well. And to all the other aspiring writers out there who will probably have to go through the same experience we did, I'd like to take a moment to talk about what that actually felt like.

Dealing with rejection is a strange experience. I mean, Kristy and I have had to deal with setbacks before, but not like this. This was an entire industry clucking their tongues, shaking their heads, and saying "Nope. Not good enough." This was an entirely different monster.

And you know what's weird? What we went through while dealing with this seemed oddly familiar. Like something we vaguely remembered learning about before, but neither of us could put a finger on it. Until today. So today, I'd like to present to you, Internet Audience: The Five Stages of Dealing Rejection.

Stage One: Denial
"No, they can't mean that! They must have just misunderstood my query or something! Or maybe they got my email address mixed up with someone else! Their rejection can't possibly mean that I'm a bad writer!"

I'M NOT CRAZY! STOP CALLING ME CRAZY!

It's amazing how quickly this stage sets in. Literally seconds after reading those rejections, these thoughts started forming. And I guess, in a way, that's everyone's initial reaction to bad news. The instinct to rub your eyes, pinch yourself, and convince yourself that it's just a bad dream. It kind of felt like floating in a bubble of blissful, willful ignorance.

It didn't last, though. That's the thing about bubbles. They all burst.

Stage Two: Anger
This is the part where we got all mad and indignant. HOW DARE THEY REJECT ME! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

It happens to the best of us. We promised ourselves that we wouldn't go to that place, but all that did was make it even more surprising when we got there. There's no magical secret to making this stage go away. It's all emotional. It ends when it ends. The only thing we found that we actually had any control over whatsoever was how we dealt with it. And if there's one piece of advice we can give to other aspiring writers going through this, it's this: Never burn any bridges.

I immediately regret this decision

Just like in a job, just like in relationships, just like in life. Never, ever sit down and pen that angry profanity-laden diatribe that tells the other person exactly what you think of them. It never works out well.

Stage Three: Bargaining
Ah, the bargaining. It's the part where we started asking ourselves "What if I do this? Will that fix it?"

Unlike the last stage, this part we wanted to last as long as possible. Because for us, this is when we stopped being dreamers and started being writers. Because those rose coloured glasses we'd been wearing? Gone. Smashed. Destroyed.

Goddammit! I liked those!

This stage forced us to take a cold, hard look at our story and that's when we finally realized it.

Something doesn't work.

By no means was this an easy thing to do. Not by a long shot. But it's incredibly useful. Because a manuscript or a query, no matter how flawed, always looks perfect when viewed in the warm, flickering candle-light of delusion. Only in the harsh, flourescent light of rejection do the flaws become obvious.

And BOY do those flaws become obvious. It's actually amazing how obvious they are! Things we found "cute" and "clever" in our query all of a sudden revealed themselves for what they were: two-ton anchors weighing the thing down. And that's when we realized something.

It's the Bargaining. The Bargaining that we did with Reality. That's when we grew.

Stage Four: Depression
This part? Not fun. Not fun AT ALL. This is the part when we started thinking: Maybe we're not good enough. Maybe we'll never be good enough. Maybe we were never meant to be writers.

Why doesn't anyone like my story about robot cowboys set in old-timey England?

Those thoughts were toxic. Those thoughts were poison. And, like the Anger Stage, there wasn't a whole lot we could do to shorten this part. But, like the Anger Stage, what we could control is that we didn't do something stupid.

Something stupid like quit. Something stupid like give up. Because the next part's coming up...

Stage Five: Acceptance Rebound
Now, I know, I know. Normally, this stage is called Acceptance. Because this is supposed to be the part where we decide to accept things that you can't change. But this is the one part where we depart from the Norm and forge our own path.

This is the part where we picked ourselves off the ground, dusted ourselves off, and threw ourselves back into the fight. Now, it's a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. But this was different.

Because we're not the same person anymore. We've grown. We've learned. And maybe, just maybe, we're slightly better writers now. So we're going to hit the ground running, and we're going to run even harder and faster than the first time. Because that's the last thing they're going to expect.

Awww, I'm so sad and dejected and BOOM! WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT, WERE YOU?!?

How about you? Have you ever had to deal with rejection?