One Query Please, Post-Haste!

OK, so we've spent the last week trying to sell our manuscript. And by sell, I mean shoving our manuscript into random strangers' faces while screaming "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!!!!"

Hey, stop crying! Why does everyone keep crying?

Now, APPARENTLY, there's actually an entire process behind this. Apparently, agents DON'T want crazy people accosting them in public washrooms with manuscripts. Apparently, all agents want is...

THE QUERY

Now, apparently, a query is a letter that you send to agents. And it's supposed to tell your entire story in a single page.

OH SURE! Condense my entire manuscript into a single page! That should be easy!

You know what this reminds me of? Cover letters!

You know what I'm talking about. Those obnoxious, annoying letters you're supposed to write when you're applying for a job. The one that's supposed to add a "human" touch to your otherwise dry and cookie-cutter resume. You look up samples, and guides, and templates all over the Internet, and you agonize over it for days, maybe weeks. And in the end, what happens? The cover letter just ends up sounding like every other cover letter.

So, you're a perfectionist AND a team player? That's great! The last guy said he loves fucking up! Also, he's a serial killer!

And what happens if you try to ignore all the advice and try to be different? Try to get across what you're REALLY like? Well, no need to wonder, Internet audience! Because we've tried that approach. And it never works.

Look, it's great that you enjoy cricket, but right now, we really need someone who knows how to get rid of serial killers...

Well, I gotta say, they were right. The first draft is the easy part. The hard part? It starts now...